The Beaver was privileged this past week to be visited by world-renowned nature film-maker David Attenborough. The British nature lover has studied thousands of unique and interesting creatures in his long career and came to Stanley Park in search of what he described as the most intriguing member of the bird family he has studied: The King Strutting Bird (flexus wheneveritcanus).

We’ll let Mr Attenborough take up the commentary. For full effect try to attach a whispered, British accent to his words…

“A distant relative if the peacock, the King Strutting Bird has evolved into two distinct species, the Pinkbreasted and Whitebrested King Strutting Bird. On the night we observed this fascinating creature, it was a cold, rainy evening and the King Strutting Bird was using its full armament to protect against the weather. As it often does, the King Strutting Bird was surrounded by large, less attractive mammals from the Bonehead family, such as the neckless hairy back baboon and the hands-like-feet winger, for warmth and protection.

With the approach of two Red Bull Chicks the King Strutting Bird’s demeanour rapidly turns from shy and reclusive to aggressive as it springs from the protection of the group and just as amazingly sheds its bland feathers for a bright new coat, pink across the breast and white and exposed on the upper arms and legs, covering just enough of its reproductive organs to avoid arrest.

Usually afraid of boisterous laughter and aluminum cans the King Strutting Bird goes through a series of arms crosses, fist clenches and chest puffs to display its impressive plumage and wingspan.

In the presence of particularly suitable breeding mates the King Strutting Bird is known to spontaneously burst into push ups or squat thrusts.  Fascinating!

Surprisingly, after witnessing the ferocity of its attempts to impress the breeding hens, both species of King Strutting Bird are well known for their long-lived mating rituals, whereby there can be up to two years of wooing for a potential mate.”

Thank you David. Unfortunately Mr Attenborough was unable to observe the Whitecrested King Strutting Bird while in town. This creature is known to go through a complete transformation when it sheds all but its groin feathers, casting it chest feathers off like a lizard sheds its skin. The Beaver has secured rare footage of this process, previously only seen every Saturday and Calgary Rugby Park...

And in a Beaver exclusive rare footage of the Whitecrested King Strutting Bird. The creature appears at precisely 2.00 into the video.

You Tube

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2008 Best Dressed Awards

	Creepiest Chick Award Kinger was not the ugliest, fattest or dressed up man-whore but his belief and delight in the role and this creepy, creepy pose in every picture gets him this year’s award. Plus he had nuts on him. Tbag - you are one drunk mo fo
Best Use of Your Junk to Amuse and Offend
	Second Best Fake Boobs Award
Hold My Hair Award It is no wonder that Aussies who come to the Canucks often find Canadian girls and stay, if the behaviour of Australian “women” are anything to judge. Last year saw a complete meltdown from Aussie tourist Adrian, and this year Tony Byrnes lost his mind before the third pub of the night. After 20 minutes of being help up from falling in his own spew, Tony decided the best thing to do for a man-whore who couldn’t speak or walk was to crawl away from his girlfriends and pass out next to a dumpster in downtown Calgary. Meanwhile, Pytka had convinced the female bus driver to flag a taxi down as for some reason Pytka was having difficulty in getting one to pull over to dispose of Tony in. The bus driver agreed to get a cab if Pytka would defend the bus. “As long as you promise me you won’t try to drive it,” she said. “I wasn’t even thinking about driving it…”. “Yeah you’re right, I promise not to drive the bus.” Pytka replied.
Left - Creepiest Chick Runner Up and Winner of the “So do we wear make up and shit on this pub crawl?” Award. Middle – Body like a chick/most likely to be overpowered and sexually assaulted Award Right – Least likely to be overpowered and sexually assaulted Award.	Most proud of your tits Award
	Domestic Violence Award A young and innocent Lewis made it back to Wilson’s place and foolishly opted to sleep while the older, uglier man-whores drank and griped about failing to dyke out that night. Lewis was the recipient of multiple and awesome tit slaps from which he would awaken from his slumber with a mix of physical pain and emotional hurt. He was then made to wrestle Pytka over four bouts until it was agreed upon he could then sleep. It could be many years before Lewis, a successful businessman and family man, recovers the suppressed memories that he was tenderly spooned that night by Pytka once the alcohol ran out.
Best Outfit Award	Biggest Thing You Can Fit Up Your Arse
One Step Too Far Award	W T F? Award

Mehwisms (anti-Kingerisms): Things said at rugby that definitely don't sound gay...

While watching the silky smooth skills of one Disco Danskin bamboozle the defence and produce some magic with a give and go with Mr Jay "Fine Living" Brown, Ms Kim turned to a Canuck amidst the applause and said "I think I got a little wet watching that".