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ONE IN EVERY CLUB

I have no idea where I read, heard or possibly drunkenly hallucinated the proceeding statement but following a prominent sports star "coming out" a reporter said that statistically it was probable that every sports club has one gay member. This claim/statistic has been pushed to the front of my thoughts by the sheer scale of rampantly homosexual behaviour this season. Now while it may be extremely un-Albertan of the Beaver Editor not to burst into flames when hearing about man-love this has caused me some amusement. My amusement stems from the fact that instead of struggling to work out which one player is packing fudge I am at a loss to pick just one likely suspect.

Before presenting my evidence I would like to put some minds at rest that not being able to get a woman to have sex with you does not make you a homosexual. I hope.

The identities of the following people have been protected for the sake of their families. Except for Jordy and Pete because everyone in the world knows they are deeply in love with each other.

60/40, 80/20...when will it end?

 Did you think you would escape my notice Eric Alles? Despite the fact that you have been parading a hot girl around in front of us lately, your actions on Best Dressed Night to knock back an ex-girlfriend keen for some sausage to go hottubbing with Rod Jones and Tony Byrnes can not be ignored. Your recent luck with the fairer sex being taken into account I am declaring you a 60/40 gay/straight proposition and I encourage all Canucks to now refer to Alles by his new nickname 60/40.

Whoah stop press! New information has come to hand since the above rubbish was written. Alles your gay percentage just jumped up to 80/20. You are like a pyromaniac who taumts the police because subconsciously he wants to get caught. After showing off the new girl to the club on Wednesday night a grouped of stunned witnesses heard 80/20 utter these words at Thursday training "Can anyone drive me from the south?" I could not make this shit up.

Let's upgrade that nickname to 80/20.

MORE LATE BREAKING NEWS

When the subject of homosexuality comes up, Rod "Hotrod" Jones is never far from the action. A perennial victim of gay jokes from emotionally crippled clubmates who lash out jealously at Rod because of his advanced fashion sense, cooking ability, interior decorating skills, shoe collection...um...hang on, stop, I'm trying to prove Rod isn't gay. Anyway, for all you red-neck, jealous types who have besmirched Rod's fiercely heterosexual persona, Hotrod has returned from Montreal a changed man. He is in love with a very special lady. Attending a wedding amongst the smelly cheese eating citizens of the East the nuptuals hit home for the hard running, face-tackling hooker and cupid's arrow struck. On a deckchair I think. Since returning to Calgary he has spent much time on the phone to his new love and was even quoted saying "I love her, she's very special". Good for you Roddy, we are going to miss you when you move to Montreal to manage a mime company.