SPECIAL
EDITORIAL
Following pressure from the enlightened
folk at CRU club elder Larry (Mugatu) Jones, inventor
of the male daisy duke shorts, has called on The
Beaver Press to poll the players on whether they
would support establishing a Canucks women's rugby
team.
The
Beaver Press would like to encourage its readers to
voice their opinions to beav_editor@canucksrugby.com
for print in the next edition. All submission will
be anonymous.
And
now a The Beaver Press editorial piece:
Canucks
women's rugby team?
Fuck That!
I
would rather watch soccer, drink beer with a referee
or simply blow rugby off the face of the earth than
than listen to Stanley Park corrupted by the banshee-like
screeching of female "rugby" players defiling
the great game of rugby with their putrid imitation
of the game that is played in heaven.
Despite
being the editor of a distinguished publication such
as The Beaver Press I am at a loss for words
to describe the vile perversion of our great game
each time a women's "match" takes place.
Luckily
for the reader's sake I do not have to describe the
visuals burnt into my mind's eye from witnessing female
"rugby", one only has to close one's
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eyes
and listen to sounds eerily similar to Hitchcock's
The Birds as the "players" squawk
and shriek for 80 minutes to know that it is against
God.
Those
of you who look upon hosting a women's team the same
way Remington eyes off a free buffet, you have not
considered all the implications.
If
one could dodge the heavily stacked odds of finding
an attractive woman rugby player, anything less than
a relationship could land you with an embittered rabbit-boiler
hounding you every time you turn up to rugby. What
is rugby to a man but a safe haven devoid of the harping
of a wife/girlfirend/stalker?
After
interviewing rugby players during my travels, it seems
even benefits such as dishwashing and bingo volunteering
are fraught with danger. One player told me of the
women claiming an equal stake in the clubhouse built
by the men 20 years earlier after two years of taking
over bingo responsibilities.
If
the Canucks want to lose half their shit, they can
do it the traditional way and get married! HALF!
If
you want to have sex with a rugby player wink at Eric
Alles in the showers or pork an Irish women's "rugby"
player. That one kills two birds: sex and pissing
off the Irish.
I'm
sure that field will not be deemed unplayable due
to wetness.
The
ideas and comments expressed in this editorial represent
those of the entire Canucks rugby club and open the
club and its its members to legal action as a whole.
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YAAARRRGGGHHH!
WANT
TO BE A BEAVER PIRATE?
August
5 marks the yaaaaarrghingest time of the rugby season.
After
the Canucks rocked the world of all present at the
Banff 10s last year, raping their beer and pillaging
their women, it's time to maraud Banff once again.
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A proud history
was established in 2005 as a team of horrendously drunk
pirates out-played, out-lasted and out-yarrrghed the home
team for a stirring victory, while all other teams drank
water and dressed sensibly.
Out-gunned and
completely too wasted to play rugby we then backed it up
to out-boat race a bunch of stuffy Englishmen and disappear
into the night to carouse, cavort and consume everything
in sight, including street signs, plant life and security
guards.
"Jesustittiefuckingchrist
I had a good time" -- was just one comment from
a satisfied crew member.
Banff 10s conists
of matches on Saturday/Sunday, with the crew leaving Saturday
morning and returning Sunday night (unless the crew decide
to pillage for a second night).
Each player's cost
to enter the tournament and bunk down is likely to be $60
(dependent on numbers) and actual participation in the rugby
is highly optional. Players will however be expected to
drink as much as non players between matches.
For more information
email beav_editor@canucksrugby.com or turn up to training
for announcements.
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PRESIDENT
DUKE THROWS DOWN GAUNTLET
Club President and
reigning Most Valuable Drunk, Duke, strives for yet another
slice of glory.
The dying embers
of the race for the Colin Ogilvy Friend of Referees Award
have flared into an inferno of anticipation after reigning
MVD and benevolent Canucks President Duke stamped his authority
on the inaugural award.
Ogilvy's award,
established after Cowboy lost his mind and renounced his love
of forwards in favour of free-hair-flowing backline play and
became a member of the CRU disciplinary board, was previously
thought to be only open to Canucks coaching staff after yellow
card stalwart Jamie Irvine set the world on fire with an amazing
run of consecutive 70 minute performances to open the season.
With head coach
Guy Beavers toiling on the sidelines yelling "that's
bollocks" at every refereeing decision and the referee
being one of 27 people on the field being annoyed by Martin
"Power Step" Hunter's sideline commentary the competition
was worthy but no match for "Bovine's" performances.
Irvine blended
his God-given talent to blatantly punch people in full view
of officials with some outstanding referee abuse to take a
stranglehold on the award within the opening weeks of the
competition.
It seems complacency
set in however with Irvine stalling just one yellow card away
from a season-ending suspension and the coveted award.
The trip to Medicine
Hat saw a new contender in our beloved President after he
was replaced as third division captain by the referee after
a miscommunication saw Duke under fire from the official.
In some inspiring
play Duke took the "no rucking" rule to mean "ruck
the shit out of the sack of shit lying on the ball" and
the referee's decree that "I may not be spoken to by
lowly rugby players" caused further interpretation issues,
ending in the installment the cool-headed Curtis
"My face, my face, my valuable face" Edinga.
Duke: "Sir,
Medicine Hat is ....."
Ref: "Only the captain may speak to me"
Duke: "I am the captain sir"
Ref: "No one may speak to me. You're fired. Bring in
the alternate Captain!"
It seems no aspect
of rugby can escape Duke's talents and the race for the Ogilvy
Friend of Referees Award is alive and well.
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