CANADA'S FIRST ALL-GAY RUGBY TEAM?

A litigious, spurious, infamous and downright lascivious accusation has knocked the NHL steroid controversy to the inside pages.

The furore caused by unfounded claims by WADA president Dick Pound that 1/3 of National Hyperdermic League players were on the Red Deer Titans off season program have paled in comparison to an accusation that the entire Canucks Rugby Club is homosexual or "gayblades" in old boy speak.

This outrageous claim has met with condemnation despite the fact that a certain old boy often refers to other players as "gayblades" but luckily is way tougher than everyone else and can do it.

Only the Beaver had the balls to bend over backwards to get to the bottom of this pokey issue. Rather than villify the accuser or pretend you all weren't looking at me in the shower the Beaver decided the only way to sort out this claim was to individually assess the gayness of each player in the club. If you did not make the list that means either that you're not gay or you are boring and the Beaver had nothing funny to say about you. In rare cases the Beaver had respect for you. And you're boring.

If you do not have time to read the whole list, let the Beaver summarise it: Alles is gay.

The Gay Probe

David Byrnes: Gayblade.

Tony Byrnes: The Beaver can confirm that Tony had sex for the second time in 2005 recently. Plus he called everyone else gay and people who do that are never repressing or anything.

Jamie Irvine: In the wake of the Gayblade hoopla third division coach Jamie Irvine showed the mortal non-MVDs how it was done by lighting up the town in a wave of pantslessness unlikely to be seen again in this age. This display completely made up for the fact Jamie's dog likes to lick balls. A man can't go pants down by himself however and it was only the communication skills and warm, fuzzy demeanour of Dave Tidmarsh that kept Irvine from being set upon by every bouncer in town. Tidmarsh also got hit in the head with an axe once. That may have helped in the negotiations.

Dave Tidmarsh: Gayest cunt ever.

Erin Pytka: Bytchka be thy name.

Tristan Shanks: I once saw this documentary on firefighters and they were like, nailing all these chicks and stuff. The female firefighters were really slutty and had sex with the male firefighters on one of the trucks. It was pretty cool. So he's not gay.

Derek Allen: Hail the President.

Eric Alles: Has the Beaver not made its point yet?

Gordie: Had some issues in Europe with wanting to show people his nuts, but at least he wasn't trying to put them in Alles mouth like one fellow tourist.

Jason Brown: Where exactly does tea-bagging place on the scale?

Matt Chestnut: Insert nuts joke here.

Dennis Clayton: Likes punching people in the head too much to be gay.

Shawn Conte: Got the hair and shorts for it.

Anthony Cortis: Cortis is the essence of rugby. Rugby is not gay.

David Danchuk Gay men don't have arses this big.

Luke Devenish: Please put on some bulk before the next best dressed.

Warren Edinga: No.

Curtis Edinga: Stop smiling all the time and get angry.

David Exley: Gets discovered with gay porn photos of himself. Tries to ruin his own stag by getting us all thrown out of the hotel. Doesn;t turn up for best dressed. The Beaver gives his sham marriage six months. You still rock no matter which way you swing X.

Ian Exley: Men aren't big enough game for X2.

Brent Gough: It would hurt the women of Calgary too much for Gough to be gay.

Michael Hand: Not sure. He is a liar after all.

Peter Houlihan: What you have with Jordy is beautiful and pure Petey, don't let anyone tell you different.

Martin Hunter

Eric Kaul: German's are way too sexually depraved to be simply classes as gay or straight

Jordan Kohn: One of only two men proud enough to be openly gay. Good for you Jordy.

Rob Lippa: Men who put mix in their beers have some questions to answer. And then there are those shirts....

Ian Middleton: I dunno, what did I say about Dennis? That'll do.

Michael Murphy: I have no idea. Haven't seen him out this year.

Ryan Remington: Ask him about why he bought a mini donkey.

Darren Riley: South Africans shoot people. Definitely not gay.

David Walden: The Beaver would just like to see DW have sex with something not attached to his own body or purchased. You can do it buddy.

Colin Ogilvy: Remember, to Cowboy, all of you are Gayblades. Plus he could have me rubbed out at any time.

Mario Vergara: Only Canuck to be seen on television kissing another man.

Patrick Wetherup: Prison gay.

Edwin: Somehow I have the feeling that the gay community would rise up against a member who wore a "Canadian Drinking Team" T-shirt.