Beaver report No.4 for 2005
Saskatoon Midnight 7'S Edition
100 brain cells left in my head, 100 brain cells
left in my head,
Thanksgiving day, drink them away,
Zero brain cells left in my head today.
Thanksgiving Day long weekend saw the Canucks attend
their second rugby tournament for the year and the team certainly
learned its lesson from Banff as they cut out the awful rugby
part of the experience and concentrated on drinking. Rather than
waiting until we got to the tournament to get drunk, as in Banff,
things started off early as we racked up a $300+ bill at Denny's
before hitting the fields and purchasing pitchers bigger than
our heads.
Always ready to rely on our subtle sense of humour
to impress the ladies we resurrected the Calgary Under Ninety
Touchy Society and dressed accordingly.
C.U.N.T.S.: Bald Eagle, Popped Cherry and Pink Pussy.
Tourist Report Card
Pink Pussy: Debut tourist Pink Pussy set
the standard for what would be a weekend of idiocy within the
opening minutes of the tour. Once the decision was made to drink
bourbon to minimise toilet breaks on our six-hour trip, the Furry
Magnet was quickly informed that using mix ruined the flavour
of liquor and was in fact "for pussies". Shortly after
the Pink Pussy was seen trying to sneak his bourbon into a Wendy's
cola cup and was subsequently sentenced to put mix into everything
he drank for the rest of the weekend. This proved highly amusing
at 10am Saturday when he was presented with a half-full glass
of coke by the waitress and forced to pour his beer into it. PP
showed good stamina throughout the fuel sessions, but then again
sharing a bed with Gay Soft Irish Pat while having your leg grabbed
by a night terror wracked Pytka (see below) would give anyone
the motivation to drink to forget.
Popped Cherry/Angry Tomato: As usual Pytka,
aka Popped Cherry, led the charge to replace all blood with alcohol
and the success of his mission was in no doubt on return to the
room on Friday when some part of his brain decided that falling
into the wall and then sliding down it, wedged between the bed
and wall was a good idea. After several minutes to digest all
this he finally uttered: "I guess I'll stay here." The
five minutes later: "That hurt."
Yet another of the beautiful ladies swoons at the Angry Tomato's
charms
It remains a mystery what brought this on but at
some stage the Popped Cherry developoed Homer Simpson style night
terrors, sitting bolt upright, muttering/yelling in his sleep
and clutching Pink Pussy's leg. This of course lead to constant
calls of "Cobras, cobras". UNfortunately for the Popped
Cherry, his subtle costume and sense of humour caused confusion
amongst the masses and after being asked why he was dressed as
a tomato for the 100th time he began to snap and yell "I'm
a popped cherry, not a fucking tomato." It didn't help matters
that a member of the touring party was sending people over to
ask him whay he was dressed as a tomato. Ended his second night
in much the same fashion, speaking in tongues to the cab driver
before crashing through the motel door and calling all and sundry
pussies for not wanting to go out at 1am. Seconds later slumped
down between the beds in a sitting crucifixion pose. Hours later
he made it to his feet, almost stuck his head through the tv and
collapsed on the floor.
Bald Eagle:Wasted quality drinking time on
Saturday evening by spending several hours talking about fighting
a moronic Irish player (not Pat). Eventually decided to arm wrestle
said moron but abandoned this plan after a newer, gayer discussion
developed on proper arm wrestling technique. Purses at twenty
paces ladies. Showing the fast-paced braincells that marked the
weekend, decided he did in fact want to fight Irish moron two
hours after French Cunt got punched in the mouth and after Irish
moron had been held down and bashed by his own team mates. Was
obviously still in the mood for a near death experience when he
was the only one willing to hold Angry Tomato's leash and head
into town.
The Ref/Theivng Saracen:Bonded with touring
party early by causing us to leave late. Recovered by assisting
in dunking the Furry Magnet in the spa. Bullying the little kid
is always a good way to impress in the schoolyard. Involved himself
in the tournament by refereeing a women's match. I would have
thought being a Saracen would have qualified him to play. Must
have been scared of getting hurt. Went missing when the game turned
into mud wrestling match. What can you expect from a friend of
Gay Soft Irish Pat? Disgraced his club's ethos by drinking all
weekend and being a valuable tourist.
Furry Magnet, Irish Cunt, The Beaver (Irish moron in background)
The Beaver: Punched Irish moron in the head.
Good move. Stayed at parents place instead of sleeping on floor
or on bed in range of night terror racked Angry Tomato. Good move.
Put his money down for the motel. Bad move. Defended French Cunt.
Bad move. Gave Furry Magnet beer. Good move.
Irish Cunt: Any thoughts of playing down
the C.U.N.T.S. theme in front of girls were dispelled within three
seconds of arriving as Irish Cunt announced we are the Calgary
Under Ninety Touchy Society, but you can call us cunts. Produced
a Most Valuable Tourist worthy performance of instantly hammering
the Irish with calls such as "the field is too wet, it is
unplayable" for the entire tournament. An excellent decision
based on the fact the Irish outnumbered us 3-1. Went against the
spirit of the weekend by playing a match. Decided that if he played
in only underpants no one would want to tackle him. Incorrect,
one player in particular seemed very keen to grapple with him.
All these excellent efforts were rendered null by the fact that
he was wearing an Irish jersey. You cunt.Completely lost the anger
that has marked his character with the Canucks and was appropriately
renamed Gay Soft Irish Pat.
Evetually the evil of the jersey had an effect
on him and was lucky not to be thrown in jail for his crime against
a team mate. Karma. Seeing a team mate enjoying a conversation
with a young lady Irish Cunt decided to swoop in when his team
mate went for drinks. Claimed he had not been a grasscutting cocksmoker
when confronted after the young lady went inside. Men being men
both tourists enjoyed a good laugh when the young lady in question
started vomitting off the deck and all was good between them.
Both players exchanged a look when informed by a friend that the
young lady was in fact only 16. Nice grasscut buddy. Let's see
your dad get you out of that one.
Furry Magnet: Drank like a pussy, couldn't
pick up to save his life, got beaten up by a girl, had grass cut
by an Irish cunt, basically a complete waste of space as a tourist.
Very suitable that he went dressed as a pussy.
Irish Cunt: "Do they drink tea in France?"
French Cunt: "Yes."
Irish Cunt: "Well here's a teabag for you."
French Cunt: I now believe in Karma. FC decided
to dress like a French person and what happened? He got punched
in the mouth. Did he get punched for no reason? No. You were dressed
like a fucking French Cunt. Thank the Beer Gods you didn't dress
as a mime or I shudder to think what the universe would have dished
out for you. Proved what an uncouth race the French are when he
chugged a glass of wine (borderline vinegar) thoughtfully ordered
for him at breakfast by his team mates. Found a buddy in Gay Soft
Irish Pat in his little "hit people in the testicles game".
Did I mention he got punched in the mouth?
Tour Quote Book
"Cock, Mouth, Cunt." The Angry Tomato
trying to pick up with the only words left in his vocabulary afer
his mind went into meltdown.
"Hey 99. Come here, come here, come here" Another classic pick
up line.
"Reeeergh, reergh."
"Mix is for pussies." Pink Pussy.
"The hot tub now has the hiv." FM after being thrown
in the hot tub by his mutinous team mates. The deepest depths
of hell are reserved for mutineers.
"I'm not a fucking tomato." AT after being asked
if he was a tomato for the 100th time.
"That's a good looking sandwich." BE finding a sandwich
attractive after no love the night before.
The Tale of the Tape
Taking a tape recorder along on a drunken rampage
often seems like a good idea at the time. Until you listen to
the shit that comes out of your mouth. This is by the tape from
Saskatoon:
"Shenanigans." - Everyone, at Denny's
at 10am
"Note to self: My nuts hurt." Furry Magnet
"Lippa is funny. He's dressed in pink."
FM
"Sausagefest in the spa, disgraceful."
FM
"Pat's a pussy." FM
"He's a pussy. He's not angry like he used to be." PP
"He's indifferent Pat." FM
"The Irish are faggots." FM
"The Irish are faggots." Random Drunk Girl
"It was inconceivable the Irish could ever be called more
faggoty, until pat wore one of their jerseys." FM
"That was uncalled for. That hurt. Huuurt." Gay Soft
Irish Pat
On the hour-long fight:
"Both teams really gave it 110% and they were both totally
gay and then they stopped. I especially liked it when Tony got
punched in the head for no reason." GSIP
"August 8, 2005. The Day Pytka lost his mind."
FM
"I'll kick you in the junk." RDG to GSIP
when he tried to take her beads.
"No one likes to get kicked in the junk. Settle down children."
FM
FEEL GOOD STORY
After unearthing a number of stories that shook
the Canucks' very foundations the Beaver is pleased to bring the
public a feel good story.
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Senior
members of the Canucks would no doubt remember fondly the
tour to South Africa. For one tour member the memories may
not be so fond. Mr Larry Jones had his tour go bad when
a revolt was held against him, including the theft of his
clothes and an efigy of Mr Jones being burned by the mob.
Amongst the items destroyed in this incident were a set
of prized short shorts that would have made Shaun Conte
envious. The Beaver can happily announce that the shorts
did in fact survive this uprising possibly through some
Abused Shorts/Fashion Crime Relocation Program and have
in fact been enjoying a new life attached the the much more
appropriate bottom of this woman in Saskatoon. It's never
easy to let go of someone close to you Larry but the shorts
are better off this way.
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SASKATOON PICTURE GALLERY
"Shit man, usually we have to pay to see this."
"Yeah but it's not the same when it isn't my cousins doing
it."
Fuck rugby tournaments. I'm off to the drunk chicks mud wrestling
tournament.
Dude. The Irish were just in here in G-strings!
Furry Magnet only wishes he let her win so he could get box rubbed
in his face.
How can the cruel Canadina Gov't make FM go home when there are
women exposing their breasts? Bunch of refs.
