Beaver report No.2 for 2005

CLUB (Captain) CRISIS

Gentlemen, I mean Canucks, the Beaver has stumbled upon some startling and disturbing news that is sure to rock the club. While the Beaver has been a strong supporter of the regime of Club Captain Dave "Hey Cowboy" Exley it appears his recent engagement and taste of power has seriously unhinged his mind.

The Canucks club is still reeling from the Club Captain's recent scandal involving an erotic photo that came into teammate's possesion. While Sexy Exley maintains the image was at the behest of his fiance, the rumours surrounding a cash-strapped and desperate Sexy Exley delving into the seedy world of gay porn to pay off crippling student loans refuse to go away.

Hot on the heels of this scandal that threatened to topple Sexy Exley from power came another bombshell as a room of stunned onlookers collectively dropped their jaws when Sexy Exley announced that his better half had been badgering him to have a tattoo of a bumblebee placed on his arse. Why any man would ever tell another male something like this as opposed to taking it to his grave I fail to comprehend. But the reason has now become apparent to the Beaver in yet another exclusive.

Sexy Exley's announcement was not the slip of the tongue it seemed but was in fact an attempt by Sexy Exley to gauge the reaction of his clubmates for as the exclusive photo below shows SEXY EXLEY HAS ALREADY HAD A BUMBLEBEE TATTOOED TO HIS BUTTOCK!

Haunted by his dark secret Sexy Exley was caught by one of the Beaver's crack photographers (pardon the pun) in a moment of drunken weakness exposing his tattoo and announcing to the world that there is a bee on his butt and he is proud. Since this time Sexy Exley has reverted to his secretive ways, using skin tape to hide the offending tattoo when showering at rugby, but Sexy Exley being the honest forthright man that he is it can only be a matter of time before his secret becomes a very public affair. And so the tough questions must be asked of ourselves my Canucks. Can the club be led by such a flagrantly homosexual man as Sexy Exley?

While I for one still respect Sexy Exley no matter what perverted appetites he satisfies in his private life, his actions will no doubt have an affect on the reputation of the club. How can we inspire fear and respect from opposing clubs with scandal after scandal involing our club captain?

FUCK RED DEER

84-fucking-0. Who is keen to knock shit Red Deer out of the competition? I am. I remember how those dickpullers acted last time we went to Red Deer and I would love to turn it around when it counts.

I must apologise for my failure to give the Canucks an advantage in our finals matches in Red Deer. My attempts to coerce the Red Deer steroid dealer into spiking the opposition's "juice" have failed. I had hoped that a few strokes might make our pathway to premiership glory a little easier. All is not lost however, there is still a chance I may be able to lace their hooker's arse before they all snort some cocaine of it.

WATCH OUT SIR CLIVE, EDDIE JONES, ET AL

That's right super coaches watch your back. The great innovator that brought you the face tackle and the face run has now brought you the face catch. This devastating yet subtle sleight of hand move is sure to bag the canucks a bagful of tries next season. Observe:

	The face-catcher prepares for a seemingly normal run at the defence.
	The scrum-half cannons the ball into the face-catcher's head who, soccer style, guides the ball forward ove the heads of the defence. Falling over or staggering comically at this point is helpful as a tool of distraction.
	As both teams share a moment to laugh at the seemingly accidental face-catch, a flanker sneaks down the blind to collect the face-directed ball and stroll over the line untouched. Brilliant tactics!