Grote vs Murphy:

THE AFTERMATH

The Race of the Millenium sees one man lose his grip on reality while the other spirals into depression.

Meanwhile the great race inspires two new combatants to face each other in jiggly, racing combat.

Slow Grote: Depressed

Beaver sources report Slow Grote is traveling to Buenos Aires for "el secreto" plastic surgery to add 60 pounds to his midsection to make him look as slow as he really is. Stunned his legs aren’t as fast as his mouth, Slow Grote has spiraled into depression since losing the Race of the Millenium.

With his confidence shot Slow Grote has been unable to perform regular tasks such as closing the deal with women or catching a ball.

The bonus of his new beer gut will be that Slow Grote will no longer have to see his unused member staring back at him accusingly when he urinates.

Reportedly, Slow Grote decided against taking the opportunity for plastic surgery to his member saying “it would be like adding a second storey to an abandoned house.”

Canucks dominatrix mistress Ms Kim added that it would be more like adding a first storey to a basement suite. She went on to mention something about her sand box…

Mike "Flash" Murphy: Gay

While the result of the race led to a speedy descent into depression for Slow Grote, the win has led to a steady crumbling of reality for one Mike Murphy.

Not only has Murph become convinced of his speed since the win, it has given him the delusion that he is an expert on all things fast.

In times past you would have heard the old war horse utter to young players something along the lines of “if you get nice and deep, you can get some good speed to hit the guy with an elbow.” Following his win, Murph has been heard counseling the young forwards: “if you get a bit deeper, you can pick your angle and really hit the gap.”

This moved on to chiming in on former international centre Faa King’s lessons on sidestepping opponents.
Then in Banff Murph felt compelled to suggest some attacking options to Bryce in open field when the fleet-footed centre was unable to evade all fifteen Banff players.

To make matters worse Murph chased after the opposing fullback for 30 metres and was able to keep up with the speedier athlete simply through the power of his delusion. Then to confirm the end of the world is nigh Murphy scored a long range try against the Irish. Madness.

A week earlier Murph had given the club a pathetic excuse for not playing because of his wife’s dance recital, when it was clear he was angered at the coach’s refusal to try him in the backs and use his awesome speed, while the likes of Slow Grote continued to make the wing in firsts.

To add further insult to Murphy’s delusional state, Faa King has persisted in trying every other meat head forward in the backs over the past season while Murph wasted his potential at breakaway.

Conflicting rumours suggest that Murph was not actually being soft and choosing to watch people dance instead of playing rugby, but that he participated in the dance recital. Now fully aware of his God-given athletic superiority Murph knew that he could show up these male ballerinas who had been training all their lives and stormed the stage.

His new athletic endeavour has the bonus of allowing Murph to spend more time in lycra with other like-minded fruits. The Beaver is confident Murph will soon be talking to his ballet buddies about “hitting holes” and “punching it up”.

In the meantime the Canucks will just have to endure Murph turning up to training in lycra sprinting gear with a sausage stuffed down his pants.

From those who gave you Grote vs Murph (that's right, alcohol) comes:

The Unstoppable Mouth vs
The Incredible Shrinking Neck

In what will no doubt be the greatest race since the last one, Rob Lippa has put his shoulders on the chopping block by challenging Tony Byrnes to a sprint race.

While drinking after practice several weeks ago Lippa announced to his fleet of lip house mate that he could not only outrun him over 50 metres, but could in fact destroy him. Similar to Slow Grote being egged on into offering a ludicrous advantage to his opponent, Lippa stuck his shoulders out when he clarified the term "destroy" as a three metre winning advantage.

Lippa's confidence in these claims stems from a race with another 30-something centre in which he won by a crushing margin. Byrnes' confidence is based on the belief Lippa is too lazy to actually run the race.

Fitness is sure to be an issue, with the Beaver proposing a side bet on who has a heart attack before the finish line if they race sees a neck-and-shoulder finish. To ensure there is no repeat of Slow Grotes delaying tactics over months against Murphy Lippa has called for Canucks physio Mehwa "Claws of Steel" Kim to inspect all injuries with gleeful abandon.

While the result of the race still seemed up for grabs despite the three-metre head start Lippa has bamboozled race officials by throwing in one more advantage. Lippa told the Beaver Digest that Tony could cross the line with his most distinguished feature: his gut, while Lippa's neck(?) would signify his crossing of the line......

Despite this mindboggling concept the Beaver has some ideas to keep Lippa competitive:

-Concede Tony the three metres at the start, rather than the finish line as he is liable to want to turn around and tell a story during the race. Getting a lead on him will only encourage him to catch up and, that's right, tell a story.
-Don't shout "Lippa's ball" as that seems to lead to violent braking five metres later.
-Wait til the gun goes off before racing.
-Ask Tony to tell a story at about "on your mark..."

The bet:
Much in the spirit of the Murph v Grote race there is a hundred dollars up for grabs.

If Lippa wins however, he will be empowered to interrupt any story that Tony is telling and ask him about the time Lippa beat him in a race. Tony then must tell the story of the race instead.

If Tony wins he is empowered to endlessly tell the same old stories to Lippa whenever he feels like it.

Canucks Technical Package: The Game Plan

In this week's look at explaining the technical genius of coach Faa King to the average man, the Beaver Digest will look at the new game plan Faa King and Australian coach Darren Coleman have put together. The basics of the game plan is to divide the field into four distinct territoties where the behaviour of the team is clearly structured.

To simplify the concepts the Digest will again look for visual cues to support the technical speak:

Goal line to 30m line: The "No Play" zone or the "Joe Grote" zone.
30m to 50m: The "Drive then kick box" zone or the "Killer's girlfriend" zone.
50m to 70m: "Suck it and see if you like it" zone or the "Matt King" zone.
70m and in: The "Play" zone or the "Stampede" zone.

Kingerisms (the attempt to describe something manly but sound totally gay)

Recently Ryan Baxter has copped a merciless bagging after he revealed that he is a vegetarian prop. It caused many good ol rugby boys to label Baxter as gay. And yet here is what one of those who would call Baxter gay as he watched him eat a vegetarian sub:

"I just want to go up there and cram some meat between his buns."