Cloning or Cupid?

With the 2008 season only a week old the Canucks club was rocked to it’s foundations by yet another Pytka-related controversy.

The ugly spectre of the Canucks’ failed cloning experiments of 2006 (06Beaver Press01) has raised its ugly head once again.

The club’s attempt to breed a super team of Pytka’s failed miserably when Pytka was replaced by a gay clone in 2006.

The real Pytka was definitely back last season as he stormed to a second Beaver Coat victory on the back of an inspiringly drunk performance at a friend’s wedding and he then showed strong off season form by being stabbed at a bar while fighting six people.

History seems to be repeating itself as a series of disturbing events have taken place, starting with the tour to Maggotfest.

While heavy lifting champion Joe Groat set records in Missoula and Dustin Chassels earned his first Beaver Coat for having a three-way with a cat, Pytka spent the evening with a girl he quite fancied and ended off his pleasant date by learning to Facebook at three in the morning (see 7/11 Award, this edition).

3am is a time for drunken sex, vomiting or hopefully both. Unless you are Australian, then you should be sending emails.

After declaring he would marry this girl on the bus back to Calgary, Pytka then shocked the club by producing an email not composed of pressing his fist against a keyboard.

In fact, scientists say the email was at least 700 trillion times longer than any previous email by Pytka, lacked a single swear word and showed forethought, diction and a lack of alcohol.

Following this, Pytka turned up to training clean shaven and then left without drinking a single beer, while his shocked team mates could only throw footballs at Marty’s beer in response.

The only conclusions the Beaver can make from this series of events is that once again the true Pytka has been replaced by a gay clone, who desires to be a computer programmer.

The only other conclusion is almost to horrible to contemplate: Pytka is in love and is a changed man.

The Matt King Files

Little known fact about Matt King.

During his time with Team Canada losing to rugby powerhouse Japan, King took part in a tradition Japanese tea ceremony.

Interestingly, and possibly due to the language barrier, King was sexually indentured to a 60-year-old electronics CEO and therefore was honoured with a traditional Japanese name: Faa.
Loosely translated it means “smooth legs like woman”.

A popular figure during his time in Japan, King would often here people say “Hey, there goes that Faa King guy that lost to Japan.”

“Where can I get some of those sweet Faa King gloves that guy wears everywhere?”

And of course the ladies would say “I’d love to get my hands on that Faa King guy’s package.”

“Ohhh no, you can’t. He play for other team.”

Peak Power Pre-Season Training Awards

A huge crew of eager Canucks signed up for the pre-season training program including a number of juniors graduating to the top class. Only one junior finished the program, while Mike Murphy was among the top eight in attendance. I use write eight rather than 10 because that's how many finished the program. And the awards...

Rod Jones Award for the most expensive coaching session: Rod Jones with a $275 session. (Peak Power rate: 24 sessions for $275. Rod Jones premium: 1 session for $275)

Mike Hand/Murphy most useless off season training investment: Mike Hand. $275 + 24 sessions = ½ game before hamstring injury.

Ed’s Note: Mike Hand had been the subject of intense speculation that his “holiday” to Asia last year had in fact been a cover for a trip to the blackmarket to harvest fresh hamstrings to replace his troubled and worn hammies. The Beaver is glad to confirm that Mike Hand did not take part in any such illegal dealings, or at the least bought inferior Made in Taiwan hamstrings.

Ed's Note to Coach Faa King. Travelling to Asia to buy a new groin could lead to some serious mix ups and life changes.

Best investment in off season training program: Mike Murphy. 24 sessions = $275 minus $100 for burning Joe Grote in the race of the century.

Best excuse for missing Peak Power session: Aaron Pytka. “I got stabbed on Saturday night.”

Runner up: Everyone else who got pissed on St Paddy’s Day.

Most honest excuse for not finishing Peak Power Program: Ryan Duggan. “It was too hard.”

Most motivating training partner: Eric Kaul for the first three laps.

Least liked training partner: Eric Kaul on final 9 laps.

Least motivated trainer who wanted to ditch session and go drinking whenever numbers were low: Peak Power owner Mike Souster.

Canucks Technical Package: M1 – Joe Grote

Asian super coach Faa King has asked the Beaver to use its touch with the common man to explain the Canucks Technical Package. Reminiscent of a WIL E COYOTE diagram with its arrows and dotted lines, The Beaver Digest will take one move per edition and explain it to the masses.

In a bid to get things to sink in we have renamed the M1, the Joe Grote.

As Faa King remonstrated to his minions at training last week the M1, when executed perfectly, is designed to go straight through the hands of the first receiver and onto the next man, who is destined for the tryline.

In his brilliance Faa King reversed engineered this move from the staggering amount of attacking opportunities afforded to opposition teams when the ball went straight through Joe Grote’s hands in match situations.

Introducing the 7/11 Award

Award-pig Aaron Pytka has added yet another cup to his bulging trophy canimet by winning the innaugural 7/11 Award for his Facebooking efforts in Missoula (see earlier story).

The 7/11 Award trail was blazed by Mr Grote last season with a number of spectacular shutdowns, screw ups and cock blocks in seemingly undeniable opportunities to close the deal..

Each weekly winner will be honoured with drinking all night from the 7/11 Cup.

The Beaver and the Canucks need YOU the average man to squeal on your friends when they get shot down so this award may be allowed to flourish. Send the Beaver Editor.

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