CANUCK PLASTIC SURGERY NIGHTMARE

CALGARY'S plastic surgery obsession has struck close to home after inaugural Beaver Coat winner, Erin Pytka, was left devastated, yet oddly upbeat, following botched plastic surgery.

Pytka (pictured left) made the decision to go under the knife for a never-before-attempted operation to graft a fist on to his fist, for added fistiness.

The operation was carried out by a prominent black market plastic surgeon recommended to the fist-deprived hooker by a number of lower-division props, and the odd back, after successful breast augmentation.

Second division non-passing fly-half Tony Byrnes lamented Pytka's position after succesful botox injections to his scrotum.

Despite the trying setback Pytka was described as upbeat by teamn mates and co-workers, always willing to give all the thumbs up.

INTERNATIONAL TOSSES HAT IN RING

The Canucks club is abuzz with the addition of ex-international Wayne King as club coach for the 2007 season.

Following stints featuring southern hemisphere coaches the club decided to opt for an international player to fill the void after last year's hugely succesful French coach Martin "power step" Poutine was conscripted for the war in New Caledonia.

Following extensive reasearch into Wayne King's background, the Beaver discovered that Wayne King represented the country of Canadia in rugby. Exhaustive research showed that Canadia indeed play rugby and were present at the 2003 World Cup.

Most amazingly, is that not only did Wayne King play for Canadia at a World Cup, but coma-inducing research from the Beaver reveals that Wayne King is actually from Canadia. And born there.

Since joining the Canucks Wayne King has begun turning the Canucks' traditional moves on their head. The "slider" has now become the "Rod Jones", as the move has abandoned all pretence of straight. The "fly-half runs sideways until crushed by the 13" is now the "Howard" and the "don't pass the ball to anyone to make three extra metres despite massive gaps out wide" is now the "Tony Byrnes".

FIRE UP AND DRINK SOME FUEL FOR FUCK'S SAKE!

While Wayne is making a an effort to turn our on-field results around, this doesn't mean we have to turn our off-field efforts in the opposite direction. Tuesday's "story time" was nothing short of a debacle and a wake up call to all and sundry.

The Tuesday of Stampede should yield a plethora of stories from the opening weekend of this great fuelfest but everyone was left scratching their heads looking for a story. Fire the fuck up please!

To inspire ye all gayblades, let the Beaver recount the inaugural Beaver Coat winner for 2007: Gary Wheredidiwakeup?

Arrivng at Red Deer with hos 14-year-old son in tow, Gray had polished off two beers and another couple by third grade kick-off. Following a guest appearance for thirds Gary proceeded to change into his leopard skins and mess himself up royally.

Come Billy-Bob's time and Gary was only left to dribble on the bus and decided to leave wallet, phone and son on the bus in search of a pack of smokes.

An hour later Gary purchased his cancer sticks and began walking abck towards Billy Bob's. Meanwhile, Larry Jones expained to Gary's son that his dad was unable to be found after an extensive search and the bus had to leave Red Deer without him because he's retarded.

Meanwhile Gary has walked for half an hour before spotting a short cut, falling down an embankment and having a nap. Upon conciousness Gary has proceeded to walk out of town, turn around, walk back to Red Deer, find no one at Billy Bob's, decide not to check the hotel next door and begin a three-hour trek through the rain to the Red Deer gorund.

After begging to be allowed to sleep on a massage bench Gary was reunited with his son when another parent drove he and his friends up for a match against Red Deer, presumably met by the sight of Gary in his leopard tights ready to coach impressionable youth.

Let's get this Beaver Coat going and rat on our mates on Tuesday story time!